One path, two directions

This post is dedicated to Annette.

Our backgrounds are very similar even though you are much younger. Our timelines would follow the same path up to the age that you are right now. The two paths, yours and mine, do NOT have to continue in the same direction. You can go a different direction than I did and avoid much of the chaos that I experienced.

You told me that you can see your future in my past. That’s good because if you can see it then you have the ability to change it. One of the reasons I write these posts and my books is to give people an idea of what it’s like if they do as I do. I hope they read what I write and say “I’m not going to be that person.” I want people to have a better life than the one I choose.

I’m not saying you can’t have a life if you stay with your alcoholic. You, most certainly can have a very fulfilling and happy existence in spite of the obstacles that the alcoholic may throw up as road blocks. It’s not easy. It takes work, time, and planning to get to all come out good – but it is possible.

Annette, you are a young woman without children and NOT married to your alcoholic. I know you love him. I know you want what is best for him. I know you think that if you do just the right thing he will stop and go back to being that guy you met ten years ago. I know you’ve invested time, money and, more importantly, your heart to this relationship and to him. But, “him” isn’t, at this time, the person you fell in love with.

Alcoholism changes a person. Someone who was gentle and considerate can become a mean and unfeeling louse. Angry confrontations that would normally end with a reasonable conversation may end with a black eye. Life with an alcoholic is unpredictable, nonsensical, and irrational. As a non-alcoholic, partnering with an alcoholic is like mixing oil and water. It doesn’t work.

Get out. Get out now. Don’t wait for some miracle to happen. No miracles are coming no matter how hard you pray. Don’t wait for him to see the light. He’s blinded. The longer you stay the more difficult it will be to become free.

It’s not going to be easy. You must have a plan for where you will live and who will be your support system. I suggest you have your own residence before you make an exit from the alcoholic’s home. Establish yourself as an individual and show that you are looking forward to a life on your own.

Housing is simply logistics. There will be emotional challenges. You will wake up in the middle of the night and realize you are alone in your bed. And you will cry. You will carry the groceries in my yourself and curse him for not being considerate enough to save your relationship just for the purpose of carrying in the 50 pound bag of dog food. You will call him names. And you will cry. When you unpack your photos of the good times you two shared you will examine each one as though you are seeing it for the first time. And you will cry. You’ll stop sitting the table for dinner as often opting for plate in front of the TV. And you will cry.  

Eventually the crying will happen less often until those tears turn into irritation, disappointment, and anger. That’s when you will start to have a life again. That’s when you will become open to possibly having a relationship with someone new. You will find yourself being cautious as to the person you date. It will take you longer to commit.

You may look over your shoulder often to see if the alcoholic has miraculously appeared as a responsible sober person. While it is possible, it is NOT likely to happen. I could tell you to stop looking, but you will not. He will probably come to you at some point. It will be difficult to prevent him from entering your world because, after all, you love him. You know now what it is like to be with him as an alcoholic. You know now that he is an alcoholic and alcoholic’s get drunk, stay drunk, and will put the drunkenness as a priority above you. So if you let him back in, you know what to expect.

Sometimes a person must leave the alcoholic multiple times before finding a way to stay out of his life. Don’t beat yourself up for following your heart. The heart always wants what it wants. It is not practical or logical or reasonable. It is what it is.

 Annette, don’t be me. Go live your life and do good things for yourself

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